Monday, March 30, 2009

Abracadabara...

A friend of mine called me with "some parenting dilemma"... Does she even know me? That was one of M's first questions too... but anyway I take this as a tribute to having survived 4 years of baby mayhem at the Cheeky household! Finally some recognition after years of being snubbed by fellow mom's who would call me about all kinds of things, but never any parental advice!

Anyway when this friend called me I was so happy... rubbed my hands in delight and plotted.. what can I say? So I directed her to my blog "You should find answers to all your questions here".. serves her right for not reading my blog what do you say?

Yeah I know.. with that I am sure I have killed it.. no one is ever going to pose me with a parenting question ever again are they? So my dearest N if you happened to trust me enough to read my blog "GOTCHA"... As a bonus I leave you with this tale....

The other afternoon.. after being reprimanded time and again for "not spending time with him, I escorted Cheeky to the patio and there we sat Cheesecake in hand (now you know where I get them love handles?) contemplating the world at large! When Cheeky declared
"I don't think Daddy does any work at office"
I have suspected this all along.. I think it is just his ploy to go away and get some me time! So it was very interesting that this imp of mine thought the same...
"I think he plays baseball.. no .. no.. I think he plays cricket, and then sits and talks to his friends about cricket"
Sounds very plausible.. but I had to get some doubts clarified "So do you think they pay him for that?" I could do that you know talk about cricket with friends, I could even run around the field dropping catches if I could only get paid for it!
"No they don't pay him for that" declared Cheeky bringing my dreams crashing down
"So where do we get the rent money from" ask I.. time to get my finances straight at the very least?
"I think that money is just magicked here" Magic? You can get money by magic? How come I knew nothing of this?
"Daddy knows magic?"
"No amma, Daddy can't do magic" looking exasperated.. he even put me to test pointing to the patio railing," see if you can make that go away... just point and do shush"
Of course nothing would budge, next the imp tried ... nothing!! Nada! Zilch!
"See we can't do magic" he declared. I did not know this was part of the plan.. I sat there completely speechless...
"But my uncle can do magic"
"Your uncle? you don't even have an uncle" I declare!
"Sure I do, B Chitappa " (my husband's cousin)
By this time I am giving him a hypnotic stare....
"When I was in India he used magic to make something go away and then he made it come right back" aahaa.. now my brain is sinking below the ground.. can you help me get it?
"I will tell him. He will magic some money and send it flying here.. then we can hold out our hands and get some money" demonstrating.. the money was dumped in a pile and the pile grew and grew and grew till we never have to move again.. for the door now lay hidden behind the mountain of money..
Serves me right for having spent the better part of the evening with a 4 yr old hyper imaginative imp! I went in to turn on the TV.. I would have watched anything.. even the saans bahu madness on Indian TV.. Anything to return back from my hypnotic state...

Cheeky followed me in and declared
"When I grow up I will be a king, then I don't have to do any work I will just magic all the money" We can have M give up all the pretense of work too!! What fun!!

And N you ask me about a parenting dilemma? I have a son who dreams of being a couch potato!! Oh well, like mom like son!

And there's more .... after spending the better part of the weekend with the imp. Not to mention chauffeuring him around to the science museum, planetarium and the toy store. After this, M had the audacity to turn on the computer and claim to work! Cheeky walked up to him and declared "You need to get another job!"
M asked "Why?"
Cheeky "You don't get any time to play with me on this job"
Maybe another job will let him stay at home with Cheeky and play. And there is always magic.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

And thats why I am called Mom!

VJ very naively tagged me to do this... Now every one who reads my blog knows I am a far from perfect mom! But Cheeky being Cheeky, has accepted me for what I am (like he had a choice)... and I have accepted that my son is going to be His Cheekiness (like they say its all in the genes...).. I wrote his birth story here ages back...but still here is a recap, if this is less from perfect don't tell me I did not warn you!! (img: www.allposters.com)

1. WAS YOUR PREGNANCY PLANNED? If you call bull dozing the hub into stoic compliance.. oh yes it was planned {wink}

2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME? Very much.... in every sense of the word.. we had even crossed all stages of marital bliss to a place where we are adept at throwing and warding off daggers!!

3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS? Looked up at the sky (because I still believe God lives there, Neptune is somewhere about there isn't it?).... and declared "About time!"

4. WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU? What part of 1 did you not get?

5. HOW OLD WERE YOU? You think I am giving that away.. lets just say I was old enough to have a kid OK?

6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT? How does everyone? Peeing on a stick!! No dizzy vomiting in the middle of the house.. movie style! Alas!

7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST? Despite all warnings on the box, I tested at midnight ("just because I was up" I later told the hubs). Woke him up in the middle of the night to declare "You really better get used to being rudely woken up in the middle of the night mister, because that's what is going to happen in 9 months". The guy mumbled and fell back asleep and woke me up in the morning to ask "Did you talk to me last night?".. So technically you could say it was the Hubs!

8. DUE DATE? My son was 4 days late.. he took his own sweet time the little imp.. so don't get me started on the due date!

9. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS?I had all kinds of sicknesses.. all day!! eeww!!

10. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE? I pretended to crave everything Ice creams, Chocolates and what not.. but my Doc was not buying it .. so sadly I was required to diet and eat healthy... but then since she did not have a spy cam, you could say I followed every diet she put me on!! ;)

11. WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST? Surprisingly what bugged me was the way people thought I was an invalid.. I was known to declare to people.. want to race I bet I will beat you hands down!! (People thought I was raving mad and ran at the sight of me!)

12. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD'S SEX? Boy!

13. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING? Of course I did.. imagine the fun I would have had shopping. But instead for the first year I shopped for my niece every time I went out to buy something for my son!!

14. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY? Lets just leave it at enough to have a big fat tummy.. seriously who formulated these questions? I am sure that person is out to get me!

15. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER? Traditional Southie style baby shower

16. WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW? Surprise not for me, for I helped plan it.. but for others, who were really surprised to see defiant rebellious me go through with something like that!!

17. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY? No it was all hunky dory.. do you think God was out to get us women when he designed this child birth thingy? And you dare ask me if it was complicated? I bet the person who wrote these questions is a guy! I spent 9 months looking and feeling like a beached whale.. not to mention the pushing of the football.. and I get asked if it was complicated? Pregnancy is complicated mister!!

18. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH? At a hospital of course.. For all my talk of independence I am really not into home birthing! Lets just leave that to the more adventurous ancestors!

19 HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR? You really want all the gory details? How about 22 hrs? Beat that!!

20. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL? The Hubs of course.. let me see him get out of that one!!

21. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH? A jam packed room of nurses, doctors and 1 poor lost soul - Hubby Dear! But I am sure they all wished they were somewhere else ... I am sure the Hubs wished he was watching a cricket match instead.. hell so did I :)

22. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION? Natural

23. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN? Just about anything I could get my hands on! Including an epidural!

24. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH? Normal?

25. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN? One cold October night with the winds bellowing outside and the rains beating against the window shutters!

26. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER? Amongst other names he is going to hold me accountable for when he grows up... Cheeky! But then I have met my match, the imp first renamed himself when he was 2 and continues to do that every few months.. now he goes by Max (I think).. when he settles on a name I will make sure to tell ya!

27. HOW OLD IS YOUR FIRST BORN? He is 4 going on 14 going on 40!!

28. WHAT WAS YOUR REACTION WHEN THE DOCTOR ANNOUNCED THE SEX OF THE BABY? Whatever!! As long as there was a healthy human baby I was past caring!

29. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST REACTION ON SEEING THE BABY? Sleep!! So I am not perfect, let all the others gush over the baby, I will have my turn when I have more energy right?

30. DID YOU CRY? No! I was too tired to think let alone cry!! I might have cried when they brought in a stretcher.. I distinctly remember exclaiming to the nurse "What Now you tell me I cant walk?"

So there you go... don't tell me I did not warn you!! But at the end of the day, my life is ruled by the little Cheeky Imp who reads me my rights every day!! Not to mention the fact that I get to share my computer chair with Cheeky.. he can't get off because we are in a boat and there is an angry river in the carpet below!! So while I hang to the edge of my life saving boat, I type this!! Sweet revenge you think?

Monday, March 16, 2009

To black holes and back...

Anyone who has read my posts long enough know of my fascination with Calvin and Hobbes.. Friends have compared this mom-son duo to Hobbes and Calvin in the past. I don't know about the former, but the latter is true! There is a Calvin in Cheeky! But there is a Calvin in each one of us.. isn't there? Who wouldn't like someone who can say this...
Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.

Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.

I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life ... Procrastinating and rationalizing.

I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information

well I could go on and on.. I just love that little guy!! But, here is where I draw the line... buying the complete series of Calvin Hobbes for an atrocious price. I cant sleep at night these days! No it wasn't me, but a silly girl who has a lost looking fiance who would buy her anything! Me? I have to live with reading Calvin and Hobbes on the internet.. just you wait Missy.. I will be there soon and then you will never see the books again {wink}

Back to regular programming - Cheeky Tales!
My little imp has his teacher's bewildered, let alone me! In a parent conference, his teacher discussed his antics at school with me. She seemed really worried that she just cant get him to eat... "I have to keep reminding him to eat" she told me "he just wants to keep talking"! After a lot of screaming and shouting and warning him that I would just stop giving him food, I seemed to have got him to eat the other morning, when I sat him down for a snack. I left the room lest he start talking to me! A few minutes later I heard some voices and rushed to see who was the impostor. My son sat there with some animal crackers and cheese.. talking to his food! I give up!!

You teach them things that's supposed to make them smarter and wiser and you get this from them later in the day "Amma my brain is asking my face to be angry".!! I have been getting a lot of these "Its not me, just my brain" excuses these days! Sigh!

And then there is the most recent fascination of all.. outer space! My son has been devouring on any information he can get on space, planets, the solar system and the milky way galaxy! So much this is our topic of discussion every day - day in and day out! However he seemed very upset one morning..

"Amma God created the universe right?"
"He created Jupiter so the meteors would stop hitting Earth right?"

"So why did he create black holes?"
After a lot of explanations and (what seemed more like) negotiations
"I know! Black holes are like Vacuum cleaners, they clean up the mess in space"! Huh? I bet there is no Cheeky in space though, to create the mess! (img: http://www.mobiriot.com)

While space is very fascinating we find it interfering with every theory about God... So..
"Amma where does God live"
An unsuspecting mom answers "Heaven!" (You think you are so smart don't you? Take this...)
"Is Heaven on Earth? I don't think so!"
"Heaven is somewhere in space Sweety"
"You think God is floating around in space?" (The expression on his face clearly says Whats wrong with her?)
I see an image of my reputation falling down to the ground and some...
"Where do you think heaven is?"
"I think it is in Neptune!"
So if you are ever need God, now you know where to look! (img: www.astro.virginia.edu)

Or you could listen to Calvin and let things be....
" I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
-- Calvin "
AMEN!

Monday, March 9, 2009

Diaries of a sleep deprived mom!

There was an era ages ago when I could go to sleep and stay asleep through the night.. undisturbed, unruffled, unpushed and my comforter stayed on me till I chose to toss it in the morning.. the day is long gone! My sleepless nights began when I decided to have a kid.. I struggled with insomnia through my pregnancy while I pushed M to the limits as well.. when I turned the air conditioning to dangerously low temperatures and he wore layered clothes and stayed wrapped in blankets in the heat of good old Chennai! Still I found it too warm to sleep.. and kept loitering about the house mumbling to myself and the little thing playing football in my tummy! "How many times do I have to tell you.. that is not a football field.. now do you mind coming out just yet?" No wonder men hold babies like they would a football (I mean American football.. God forbid they started holding it like Indian football aka soccer!)

But I soon found out that the bundle of joy meant more sleepless nights.. only now I wanted to sleep! So I tried to tackle hunger and the loud wails in my sleep .. as a result many a days the water ended up in the box of formula and the box needed to be thrown out the next morning! Finally M started mixing the formula just so he could save some money! I weaned the imp off the night bottle as early as I possibly could.. without seeming inhumane and un-motherly (after all the Indian mothers and grand mom's already eyed me with barely concealed disgust at my mothering skills/ debacles). Anyway, once the imp was weaned I was so ready to have my sleep back.. only he wanted to wake up every time he wet his diaper.. wailing loudly in disgust and anger! At a little over 1, he decided he no longer liked his crib and our nights were intercepted with wailing and crying trips to our bed and back.. till we finally gave up and exiled the crib for good! But that did not solve our sleep deprivation! For even tiny feet can hurt when they kick you in the rib incessantly.. and the tiny hands can haul off the comforter on a cold night!

The toddler bed arrived. There were nights when we would hear loud screams because the blanket had been kicked off and a furious little thing yelled because he was cold! Or one of the dozen stuffed toys in the bed had gone missing.. I would be frantically hunting for a minuscule toy in the dark of the night! 4 years later, you would think I can finally sleep through the night!

But no such luck... I am woken up because of many reasons...
Because someone realized he preferred Sheriff jatti (briefs) to King jatti.. so he wanted to return the Lightning McQueen jatti and get the Sheriff one instead! (Whaa??.. )
Because he decided he doesn't like mommy anymore.. and wants to know why she was being so mean to him in his dream? (Maybe because she hasn't slept in 4 years?)
Because there is no room in his bed! (But we would never consider hauling less than a dozen stuffed toys to our bed would we? Now they have taken over!)
Because there is a cold spot in the comforter!
Because someone no longer likes the much craved for car toddler bed anymore! "I want a bunk bed instead"
Because we wanted GM cereal boxes to have Madagascar toys, but they are no longer available!
Because Mc D stopped giving out Kungfu panda toys!

and the list goes on..

And then there is the crawling into Mommy's bed because of these various reasons... and whispering loudly in her ears.. and if she manages to turn around.. kneeing her in the back! And then when he has finally been successful in kicking mom off the bed, he lets out a sigh and spreads himself.. eagle like and falls asleep! While mommy just has to get herself an extra strong cup of coffee and greet the bright day with her sore back!!
But this mommy has a plan.. tonight, she is going to slip out to the car and curl up in there! Maybe I will even drive to a remote corner and park.. no point in getting busted by the toddler is there?

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Dreaming big...

For the past week I have been conjuring up images of my historic come back into the blogging world. I was supposed to have lost weight with my gym routine and staged a come back where I proudly announce the loss of all those love handles.. and at least 20 pounds.. but instead all I have to announce is the sweet taste of chocolate cake and the gain of a few more pounds! Well what the heck, its not like I will be needing the weight loss.. my valentine has no choice but to take me out and get me an obese looking chocolate cake and manicotti and EggPlant Parmesan with extra cheese. Might as well bury the guilt and enjoy the meal.

I also wanted to talk about an upcoming book, article.. anything which tells me that I have been useful this past year when I spent hours every day on the blogger. But lets face it, who would buy a book of my rants and raves. At least I am realistic enough to see it for what it is.

So while some of you have been speculating with finger tapping restlessness and evil grins (Suma I have been reading the comments you know!), I have been lolling around and nursing my self infested writer's block.. not to mention the martinis and vodkatinis that I drown down when I look at the abysmal CNN every night. Just kidding... I have never touched alcohol ever in my life.. wish I could drown them though... but boy are cosmopolitan's out of reach!! (I mean that literally)

Meanwhile Cheeky has been his old cheekish self.. sending us to duck under the table and find new places to hide every day.. with his endless questions! 4 years back, little did I think that I would be on the Internet every day hunting up answers for all the endless questions!! He has big dreams though... just yesterday this conversation (or rather monologue) ensued..

I am going to build a castle.. with 7 floors and an elevator to go up and down in. Then we will go live there...

The first floor will have a living room with a movie theater.. I will grow this TV (pointing to my 50" plasma.. not big enough for the imp?) and have lots of seats..

Me: can we have a movie theater room?

No no we will have the movie theater in the living room. And in the other room we will have a monkey joes! (yeah that makes a lot of sense, after sitting for long we will go uncramp our legs by bouncing!). And we will go out of the movie theater and get some popcorn (Me: I am not making popcorn). that's okay someone else will make popcorn ...

On the second floor (yes the first floor just has 2 rooms)... we will have 3 working rooms, one for you, one for daddy and one for me. And then we will have a bus? (A bus?) one made of bricks amma, it will be a fun bus! I will be the driver, daddy the conductor and you will be the passenger! (yes I am always that.. the passenger.. but conductor? I am not sure where that comes from.. I don't think he has seen the fun guys handing out the tickets in India.. I always wanted to be a conductor as a kid...)

On the third floor we will have a restaurant.. (I am not cooking I scream), that's OK Daddy and I will be the chef. He will cook and I will help him (this from a guy who adds salt and eggs to hot chocolate and another who needs a route map to the kitchen, imagine what I would be eating.. apparently hiring a chef is out of question too.. I must consider moving out of the castle.. which is now beginning to sound like a death trap.. but wait the best is yet to come)... there would also be 2 more working rooms on this floor.. (why I ask) for us to work together.

On the fourth floor there would be some lions and giraffes and tigers and basically the entire cast of Madagascar. I and my rabbits are not allowed on this floor unless the rabbits want to be the lions meal.. And I am supposed to lock the rabbits in the cage when the lions visit the movie theater to see a movie (boy are we thorough). (Can I please move out?)

On the fifth floor there is a football field. The sixth floor has a basket ball and tennis court

The seventh floor has 4 bedrooms. One for you amma, one for daddy (yeah he wont listen to reason... ), one for me and the fourth for Salty (his dog)! (What about when thatha and chitti come to visit I ask?) I will have a living room in the seventh floor where they can sleep. (They need a room I answer.. he considers letting them sleep with salty oh yes let them sleep with the dogs).. but then no salty needs his room they can go pet him but cant sleep there! (Thank goodness, the living room sounds much better... but then I cant let that go),.. so we have 2 more bedrooms installed in the seventh floor. There is also a patio in the seventh floor where when Daddy and Cheeky go they turn into super heroes.. Cheeky is batman and Dad is superman. Mom could be super girl but she cant fly :(. (I am curious, what does batman do?) His job is to fix bats. You know amma batman has a very sad face. I think its because he doesn't like fixing bats. So he is going to be Superman's helper. And superman is hawk's helper. Amma you can be hawk. Hawk is batman's helper.. (that makes a lot of sense.. we will all help each other...). And they fly down from the patio to the playground with a sandpit. And play there.. they also play soccer in the soccer field and ride on the trains Gordon and Thomas and the list goes on to include every engine in Island of Sodor!

I finally had to send him to bed with promises that the castle would appear in his dream.. by this time I had listened to the monologue for 2 hours straight.. I curled up on the couch and put a hot pack to my head and turned on the dark looking CNN, anything to drive away images of me dropping to the ground from the seventh floor after having been chased by lions and tigers, not to mention 4 dogs, and oh yes the food! God I am shaking!

I think this story should be enough to entitle me a break from everything.. but for now.. I am just going to go rest my head for a while before Cheeky wants to share more tales!